Illinois Family Law - The Absent / Unreliable Parent

The Absent / Unreliable Parent

PARENTS WHO ARE UNAVAILABLE

There are situations in which the non-custodial parent establishes a very separate life after a divorce and has little or no contact with his or her children. Adolescents who discuss this type of post-divorce parental relationship often appear callous and unconcerned: "I really don't care if he comes to my graduation. In fact, I really don't want him there. Who cares? He's Out of my life". The night of the graduation, this same child searches the audience to see if she spots her father: "Does he really care for me? Does he love me enough to show up, even though he will have to face Mom and her new husband?"

Children want to love and respect each of their parents.

If Dad does not show up, the sick feeling of being deserted by one's own parent grows. The adolescent continues to exhibit a "who cares, anyway" attitude, because it is too painful to experience full force the sadness that parental non-interest triggers.

All children - teenagers included - want and need their parents' concern and love. They want their parents to be interested in them, even if they do not have the time or inclination to be equally interested in the parent. Adolescence is a very tumultuous time and it is normal for a child to think primarily of himself or herself, secondarily of peers, and - a distant third - of parents and family.

... grant your child your permission to reach out to the other Parent.

The custodial parent who senses that a teenager is feeling deserted by the other parent has several options. The first is to look at your own behavior. Rethink the divorce process and see if there were emotional barriers created that may have resulted in your former spouse pulling back from the children. If you are in deed part of the cause of the absence of the other parent, you might need to alter your behavior for the sake of your children. Some non-custodial parents find it painful to see their children because of the tension involved in making the arrangements or the hostility they encounter from their former spouse during the pickup or return. Some deal with this tension by complete withdrawal.

Sometimes the problem lies in your teenager's own attitudes and communication pattern. Is he or she telling the non-custodial parent that it is no big deal-that "I really don't care"? If, the other parent believes this is true, then the scene is set for a disintegrating relationship.

You may he able to help your child express his or her feelings in a more honest way. You might say. "I know you are saying you don't care if you see your mom, but I really think you miss her. Your mother doesn't know how to express her feelings very well, so perhaps you need to try to open up communication with her by calling (or writing a note) and telling her that you wish you two could get together once in a while". Besides giving some practical advice, this approach will grant your child your permission to reach out to the other parent.

After exploring your own attitudes and encouraging your child to communicate directly with the other parent, there is little else you should do to help their relationship. It is very important that you not get into the role of the mediator between your former spouse and your children. This may he a tempting role because it offers a lot of power and continues your relationship with your former spouse - no matter how poor it might be.

First, look at your own behavior.

If your former spouse has little or no interest in his or her children, then he or she may he the type of person who cannot really care for others - even his or her own children. This is very sad for your children, for you yourself, and maybe even for your former spouse. If you believe this to be true, your child might benefit from speaking with a professional counselor about this issue. The therapist will want to explore the situation in depth, perhaps even meeting with the non-custodial parent if this is possible. If the counselor cannot promote a relationship between the child and the absent parent, he or she will try to help the child understand why certain people are unable to be parents and the wide range of emotions this realization promotes. Such work should be done by a trained psychotherapist or other mental health professional. If you attempt it on your own, there is a good chance the child will end up blaming you for the failure of your former spouse.

A final word of caution

There are parents who are psychologically unstable and who emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse their children. If your child has experienced an abusive parental relationship, there will be deep psychological wounds. Both you and your child will need to have professional help in healing. The counselor will also help to work out a visitation plan with the abusive parent that is both helpful and safe. Even in this case, it is important that the child maintain some sort of relationship with that parent. There are instances, however, when the child feels he or she cannot see an abusive parent until he or she is older, stronger, or safer - if ever. If an adolescent expresses such concern, one must listen very carefully to him or her - even if it means going back into court. In most such instances, the court will honor the child's wishes. As the child enters adulthood, he or she is then free to rebuild the parent-child relationship, if it is desired.