Illinois Family Law - Children are Non-Divorceable

I cannot emphasize enough that children need to know and be cared for by both parents, if at all possible. Children want to love and respect each of their parents. Understanding and applying this principle will do more to help your children facilitate a healthy adjustment to your divorce than anything else you can do. You can probably think of a dozen reasons why your former spouse does not deserve to be respected and liked - look the way he or she treated you! The less you push this view on your children, however, the better able he or she will be to form an independent evaluation of the other parent. If your former spouse really has despicable characteristics, your child will eventually learn about them firsthand and therefore will be less likely to blame you for them.

To have a successful co-parenting relationship, one that is healthy for the children, each parent must allow the other the freedom to parent in his or her own way. You should interfere or raise objections to what the other parent is doing only if your child's physical or emotional well-being is threatened. If your child is being left alone for long periods, abused in some way, or exposed to sex, drugs, or alcohol in a totally inappropriate way, then deal with that specific situation legally, under the provisions of the divorce decree. Otherwise, you must look the other way while your child is with your former spouse and hope that your values will be transmitted to your child through your words and actions while you are together.

In most post-divorce squabbles, the child's welfare is not being truly threatened-except from the stress engendered by being involved in ongoing bitter parental conflicts. If a child sleeps in a sleeping bag for a weekend or eats peanut butter for dinner, his or her safety is not jeopardized. If a child misses church or stays up until midnight on Saturday night, his or her future is not at risk. If a child is required to dress up (or down) when visiting the other parent, it will cause no permanent damage. If children occasionally have to miss an extended-family party because they are with their other parent, no one is going to die. These examples may include some practices of which you do not approve; it is certainly all right not to approve or like what the other parent does. You are probably divorced because you didn't agree on many issues and ideas. You do not, however, have a right to try to control what your child does with the other parent. In divorce, both parents lose some control of parenting. If you can accept this fact, you will create a better emotional atmosphere for both yourself and your children.

Rebuilding a family after a divorce is not easy or pain-free. Each family member has experienced many losses and now has major adjustments to make. In addition to their personal losses, family members often feel social stigma. Although divorce is no longer an unusual phenomenon, it still often carries negative connotations for those involved. The terms used in divorce- "plaintiff," "defendant," "fees," "alimony"," "custody," "visitation rights", " non-custodial parent" communicate a legalistic, objective system that certainly influences a divorcing family's future. How awful it feels to have these terms applied to oneself.

A family is not just a legal entity, but a unique, very personal structure. In writing about divorce, however, one cannot escape the use of legal terminology. These concepts have been designed by the judicial system and the legislature to protect both the divorcing couple and their children. While it is important to look at legal realities such as visitation and custody issues in a human, caring manner, the fact remains that in divorce there are legal constraints and limits for each parent and the children.

Divorce is often such a difficult trauma for all family members that children may feel that they are unable to continue to grow and give after their parents divorce. To help your child regain a positive life outlook on life, draw upon any source that is helpful - this book should be but one of your resources. Others may include family, friends, professional counselors, and your religious faith or organization.

The above information was excerpted from the workbooks: Kids are Non-divorceable, Tots are Non-divorceable and Teens are Non-divorceable and is used with the permission of the author Sara Bonkowski, Ph.D.

Dr. Bonkowski is Associate Professor of Social Work at Aurora University in Aurora, Illinois and the founder of the Myrtle Burks Center for Clinical Social Work in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. She may be reached at: (630) 469-2000.

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