COPING AND MOURNING

Your teenager will often need to talk about the divorce in order to understand, accept, and mourn the loss of family.  This may sound as if he or she will be just waiting anxiously to pour out questions and feelings.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  Most adolescents develop techniques to cope with all the changes.  They develop and cling to a style that works for them, that saves them pain.

Begin by looking - really looking - at the changes brought about by your divorce.

Some common psychological terms used to describe methods of coping are:
• "denial" (the divorce is not happening, or the divorce is not sad)
  
  
• "repression" (I refuse to think about the divorce)
  
  
• "sublimation" (I will become so busy with swimming I won't have to deal with the divorce)
  
  
• "projection" (this divorce is the fault of Dad's secretary; she's the villain)

These coping processes are often done subconsciously, so the child is usually unaware of how he or she copes.

Perhaps as you have been reading about these common coping mechanisms of children you may recognize ones you yourself use to help you deal with difficult, painful problems.  These psychological techniques are useful for a period of time until a person-child or adult-is strong enough to be able to explore carefully and slowly the dynamics of why a marriage ended.  They must not be allowed to go on forever, however, and you as a parent have an obligation to help your children recognize and break through them.

Create an open atmosphere and eventually your children will feel free to share the important losses with you.

Begin by looking - really looking - at the changes brought about by your divorce. Look at wedding pictures, the marriage license, baby pictures, and the family photo album.  Remember gifts given at a happier time, holidays, vacations, family routines.  As you look at your history, remember the good times and remember the not-so-good times.  It is important to recall both aspects of the marriage-so you can feel how the marriage really was.  If you feel like crying, go ahead.  If you feel like screaming, go ahead (within reason).  Share some of your losses, and how you feel about the divorce, with a good friend or close adult relative.

If you cannot look at your past right now, wait a week or two, or a month or two, until you are able to do it.  Perhaps you can only think about one memory at a time.  That is perfectly all right.  Proceed with mourning the loss of your marriage (and "mourning" is what you will be doing) in your own way and at your own pace.  You will need to mourn in some way, at some time, however.  Don't put it off forever.  If you never feel ready to examine your marriage, then perhaps talking with a professional counselor or trusted member of the clergy will help you get started.  You need to mourn to help yourself heal, which will result in your being more available to your adolescent.

Any time a person carries excessive bitterness and anger it hurts him or her as well as the other people close to the embittered person.

Your teenager will also be in a process of mourning the loss of the family.  When he or she says "Remember how Dad always brought home fresh donuts on Sunday?" know that this is a form of mourning.  Remembering the family as it was to him or her (and this may be very different from how you remember the marriage/family) is an important first step in accepting the changes and losses.  Perhaps your child will be able to express how he or she feels about some of the changes.  "I hate it that you have to work now!" or "Every time I see Mom's new boyfriend I feel sick" are examples of natural expressions of loss.  Allow your teen to make these statements.  Just as you might need time before feeling able to express your losses, so too your child might need time.  Create an open atmosphere and eventually your children will feel free to share the important losses with you.

If your feelings are similar to your adolescent's you may offer understanding by stating them.  "It's difficult for me to see your Mom with Nick, too".  Do not, however, get into a blame/hate campaign.  This will eventually be counterproductive.  Any time a person carries excessive bitterness and anger it hurts him or her as well as the other people close to the embittered person.

If your feelings differ from those of your child, acknowledge how you feel, but accept how he or she feels.  "You know, I sort of enjoy working full time.  The responsibility they have given me at work is making me feel good about myself.  I know what you mean about missing our time together, though".  Notice that this mother did not try to talk her child out of her feelings.  She understood and accepted the child's position, even if she did not share the feeling.  If you are ever tempted to say, "You shouldn't feel that way," stop.  There are no "shoulds" about feelings; feelings just exist.

DANGEROUS COPING TECHNIQUES

There are coping techniques that are not healthy.

Examining the history of your marriage and experiencing the many losses is an important step in healing.  However, you and your children cannot stop the world and sit around and mourn; you must live each day.  You must pay bills, buy groceries, go to school/work, be friends or neighbors, visit relatives, watch TV and read newspapers.  As you go about daily living, you will find some activities are more enjoyable than others.  During the healing process you may find yourself doing more of whatever gives you comfort.  For example, during a divorce many adults often talk to friends on the phone more frequently and for longer periods of time than previously.  Other methods of coping include getting new clothes, playing new music, eating different foods, and going on a diet.  These are positive activities that may help you feel better during a stressful time.

There are coping techniques that are not healthy.  These are "overindulgent" responses: overeating, excessive use of alcohol, too much sleep, etc.  If you find yourself engaging in behavior that is potentially harmful to your health or well-being, please get professional help.  Just talking with an outside party may help you develop better ways of coping.

When coping techniques begin to fail, that is, when a person no longer feels good no matter what he or she tries, there is a state of depression.

Adolescents will also be using coping techniques to emotionally manage all of the losses and changes in their lives.  There are many functional ways of coping-putting extra effort and time into a sport, watching TV, spending more time with friends, or trying for the honor roll.  Be alert, however, for ways of coping that may be dangerous for your teen.  Drinking and drug use are two common responses to loss that some adolescents use.  Familiarize yourself with the signs of substance abuse.  If you are not aware of the signs, speak with the school counselors - they will probably have printed resources readily available.

Other potentially dangerous coping techniques are developing an eating disorder (anorexia or bulimia), engaging in excessive sexual activity, shoplifting, or practicing a "cult-like" religion, such as Satanism.  Sometimes parents are the last to know about the destructive behavior in which their child is engaging.  Don't become over-alarmed, but don't be naive either.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Know your children, be aware of their activities and friends.  If you suspect problem behavior, immediately speak with a professional mental health worker - psychiatrist, social worker, or psychologist.

When coping techniques begin to fail, that is, when a person no longer feels good no matter what he or she tries, there is a state of depression.  Symptoms of depression are sleep disturbance (too much or too little), early waking (about 3 AM), eating problems (too much or too little), muscle aches or headaches, exhaustion, and a general sense of sadness with outbursts of weeping.

Divorce may trigger depression for adolescents, although it is important to keep in mind that many adolescents whose parents never even consider divorce experience depression.  If you or your child has a number of the above symptoms consult your family physician, and follow his or her recommendations.

ADAPTING

Have patience with yourself and your children.

After a period of time you and your children will settle down into a new pattern of family life.  This new family pattern will emerge slowly, a little at a time.  Perhaps you now go to church on Saturday night because everyone wants to sleep in on Sunday morning.  You may do major shopping only twice a month on paydays, and each child maybe in charge of his or her own laundry.  This new routine works well and you all feel good about it.

Your family has adapted to the changes.  The losses still exist - but they are being faced and slowly mourned.  During the period of transition to this new family system perhaps all family members utilized some different coping techniques.  Eventually, however, you become a functioning single-parent family with teenage children.  This is not the family - dreamed of - but it is your family and you are making it work.

If you have just separated, then the process of mourning, coping, and adapting is just beginning.  Have patience with yourself and your children.  Reading this book, thinking about each topic, doing some of the exercises may help.

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