Dating and especially remarriage require new levels of understanding, acceptance, and flexibility on the part of both divorced parents and their children.  All children want parents to be available to them and fear that involvement in another relationship might interfere with that availability.  Many children also harbor unrealistic hopes that their divorced parents will get back together, and dating and remarriage dash these hopes.  For adolescents trying to master intimate relationships themselves, watching a parent struggle with the same issues can be especially difficult and unsettling.

There is some danger in beginning to date too soon after a divorce.

After a marriage ends, most people eventually build a new social life - which often includes dating.  Even people who do not, for religious reasons, contemplate remarriage as long as their former spouse is alive, recognize the value of interacting with members of the opposite sex.

Whether and how long before dating begins, and how many different dating partners a person has, varies tremendously.  Some people prefer to wait to date until the divorce is final.  For some people, it may take months, or even years, before they feel emotionally ready or have an opportunity to date.  And some people begin seeing other people, or one special person, before their marriage is even legally dissolved.  This may not be as outrageous as it seems.  Once a couple separates, they often feel "divorced," but the legal proceedings stretch out over a number of months-or in some cases even years.

There will be considerable difference of opinion among divorced people about the right time and right way to begin dating.  There is some danger in beginning to date too soon after a divorce.  Most people need a period of "mourning" to get over the "death" of the old, intact family.  Individuals are very vulnerable immediately after a separation, and premature serious dating can lead to getting remarried "on the rebound" - which could result in a second divorce.  The "right" time to start dating is simply when you are emotionally open to new people and when someone you like becomes available.

There are two major factors for you to consider when thinking about how dating will affect your teenage children's lives: your own dating pattern and your attitude toward your former spouse's dating.

YOUR OWN DATING

If you begin to date, it is important that your teenagers not feel pushed aside or replaced.  It may make you feel so good to court someone or be courted that you find yourself somewhat "high".  When you feel this good it is very difficult to tell your new friend or friends that you need to stay home with your children several nights a week.  You may even be tempted to stay home but have your date come over to your home.

Think about how this might feel to your teens.  They have lost their intact family structure.  Now they may feel you too will be lost, lost to a new love.  Telling them, "Len is not trying to be your father, he is just my friend," will not alleviate their feeling that you may want or need Len more than you care for them.

By all means date Len.  You don't have to marry him - or anyone else, for that matter!  Go out, get dressed up, have fun.  Introduce Len to your son and daughter, include them-if they are available - in some of your outings together, even have him over to your house on occasion.  But also plan time at home without Len.  Continue to do things with your teens without Len; balance your time.  They need you and need "special" time alone with you - not just day-to-day "necessary" time.

This balancing act may he difficult, but it is important in helping your children feel secure.  If you have primary custody of your children and have free time only every other weekend, for example, you may feel it is unfair that your former spouse can go out every night.  You already have so much responsibility and now must limit your dating while your former spouse has so much freedom!  It is true this may not be exactly fair, but very little about divorce can be viewed as fair.  Your former spouse may feel it is unfair that you get to make the major decisions about the children and that it is unfair that he or she cannot have custody.  Each of you must live with and accept the reality and limits of the divorce.

The right time to start dating is simply when you are emotionally open to new people and when someone you like becomes available.

People you date can have a positive influence on your children.  They may help you feel better about yourself, feel happier.  If you are happy, it will help your children feel happy.  By getting to know other adult men or women, your teenagers may be exposed to new ideas and new experiences.  If people you are dating genuinely like them, they can become other supportive relationships for them.

If your children do not like the person you date, or a person you date does not like your children, this can prove to be very upsetting.  Perhaps they are jealous of each other, each wanting to control you.  Adolescents have a more difficult time than younger children accepting stepparents.  They have lived a much longer time than younger children in their original family and are often not sure they need or want another.  Teenagers are also sometimes more difficult for a new person to get to know and love than a younger child.  So there may be tension between your new adult friends and your adolescent children.  If you are feeling conflicts and pressures over this issue, talk with a professional counselor a time or two to help you sort through what is happening.  Both your children and your new love interest are important to you, hut you must never let any of them begin to run your life.  It is you who must decide how you will handle your choices and responsibilities.

YOUR FORMER SPOUSE'S DATING

You are not responsible for your former spouse's dating pattern, but rather for your attitude toward his or her dating.  It is critical to understand and accept the fact that you cannot control who or how frequently your former spouse dates.  If you will accept this fact you will feel much freer and happier and it will be much easier for your teenagers to deal with it in their own way.

You will certainly have feelings about your former spouse's caring for someone besides you.  This is normal and understandable and part of the process of divorce.  Be aware of these feelings and, if you can, share them with another adult.  Long-standing relationships and feelings do not end or change the minute the judge signs the divorce decree.  Yet, regardless of these feelings, it is very hurtful and damaging to lay them on your children.

When your former spouse begins dating or falls in love with someone else, it may stir up all sorts of feelings in you.  You may experience jealousy toward the new person, anger at being replaced, sadness in realizing that the marriage is over, or fear that your children will like the new person more than they like you.  Perhaps you might even feel happiness or relief that your former spouse is starting a new social life.

Feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness, and fear may be so intense that they strongly influence interactions between divorced parents when they relate to each other about their children.  Divorced parents sometimes feel the only way they have any leverage with a former spouse about dating is by limiting access to the children, or by attempting to control visitations: "You can't have Marge to your apartment when the children are over!"

Parents confuse their teenagers by expressing their opinions about their former spouse's new friends: "Your mother has turned into a whore, sleeping at her boyfriend's house while you are with me," or "Your father's new girlfriend thinks she is so sophisticated! I will not have her taking you shopping for clothes," or "I forbid your mother's date to come to your graduation.  If he does I will beat him to a pulp."

When the person you loved for many years - and possibly still do - chooses someone else, it is understandable that you have a strong response.  For the sake of the children, however, it is important not to let these intense feelings be seen by them.  Begin to let go of feelings of attachment (love or hate) for your former spouse.

You may not want to "let go" because that will confirm that the relationship as it was between you and your former spouse no longer exists.  This can be painful, for it demonstrates that both of you will not only survive your divorce but must build a new life without each other.  Perhaps this is something you really do not want.  Some people remain bitterly attached to their former spouse years after the divorce.  They say: "I can't help it.  I just can't help how I feel."  If you find this happening to you, consider talking with a professional counselor.  As you master letting go you will discover that who your former spouse dates and what they do is no longer as important to you.

The Law Offices of J. Richard Kulerski, P.C.
1200 Harger Rd. Suite 320,
Oak Brook, IL 60523
(630) 928-0600 fax (630) 928-0670

Gender Neutral Notice

Visa and Mastercard Accepted

This website contains legal information, and not legal advice.
Its content refers only to the law of the State of Illinois.

All contact information is received with the utmost respect, privacy and discretion. E-mail communication is limited to the scheduling of consultations. Prospective clients are guaranteed absolute confidentiality.

© Copyright 1999-2002 J. Richard Kulerski, P.C.  All rights reserved.
This site is protected by copyright and trademark laws under U.S. and International Law.
Send comments about this site to: webmaster-familylaw@3Planets.com