HOMOSEXUALS AS PARENTS

It is not unusual for a homosexual to marry a heterosexual.  Many gay and lesbian persons struggle with their sexual preference and hope that by marrying they will put to rest their sexual attraction to others of the same sex.  In addition, society does not support a parent being homosexual; and many gay and lesbian persons hope to have children.  Therefore, it is reasoned, marrying and starting a family will settle these issues, and all will live happily ever after.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Marrying does not change sexual orientation, nor does it solve the difficulties inherent in gay or lesbian parenthood.

It is amazing how happy children can be when their parents work together to solve a problem.

People have varying beliefs about the morality of homosexuality: some believe homosexuality is a biological occurrence and there is no moral stigma attached to it since the person has no choice; others believe it is wrong or a sin, often believing that the homosexual has a choice.  Regardless of their individual, personal beliefs about homosexuality, however, many divorce judges are harsh in their assessment of homosexuals as parents.  For the parent who has decided to declare his or her sexual preference and get a divorce to lead a more honest life, the chance of getting a fair hearing in court is risky.  However, two divorced parents can create their own agreement for how they will each spend time with their children.  If the parents choose not to make homosexuality an issue, the court will not raise it.

The parents who have gone through this experience and have fared the best are those who decided that in spite of the shocking revelation and the dissolution of the marriage they wanted their children to have a good relationship with both parents.  It is amazing how happy children can be when parents work together to solve a problem.  There is no question that gay and lesbians can be excellent, caring parents.  The only question is, can the heterosexual parent overcome his or her own hurt and rejection to promote mutual parenting?

If the parents choose not to make homosexuality an issue, the court will not raise it.

Remember that a child needs the love and support of both parents.  This statement is probably repeated two or three times in every chapter, for it is the core of raising happy children after a divorce.  If one parent is gay or lesbian, in time the child will know and will come to understand. We all have things we must understand and accept about our parents.  The infant or young child has no cognitive knowledge of what constitutes a "normal" father or mother; what matters to the child is how each parent cares for him or her.  Therefore, many of the concerns and worries that may he raised about homosexuality are concerns of adults; the concerns of a child are much simpler.  If a gay or lesbian parent forms a caring, paternal or maternal bond with his or her young child, by the time the child is old enough to understand homosexuality the child will know the parent and appreciate that Mom or Dad is, in every respect, a "good parent".

A FINAL NOTE

In addition to the above three family situations that involve special considerations and challenges for divorcing parents with young children, there are others that will require divorcing parents to make special plans or consider creative options.  Children with chronic or life-threatening medical conditions, a parent who deserts the family, or a parent in prison are examples of situations in which divorcing parents have special challenges in planning for the well being of their young child.  The same principles that have been discussed in this chapter may prove useful for any divorcing parent in developing a plan for any unique or unusual situation.

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