It is often assumed that if parents divorce when the child is very doting the divorce will not affect them.  Nothing could be further from the truth. It is true that an 8-month-old infant will not have a recoverable memory of living with both parents.  But an infant is very vulnerable to the emotional process and the change in family routine associated with parental divorce.  This chapter is designed to help you feel what an infant experiences during parental divorce.  It will help you in making parenting plans if you are able to put yourself in your baby's shoes.

Patterns and connections are being made that will influence behavior for the rest of the child's life.

THE BABY'S WORLD

When a baby is born a miracle happens-a new life comes into being, a life that has wonderful, amazing possibilities.  However, a baby is not born with the initial capacity to understand the world or how to take care of himself or herself; your baby will need time and support to develop his or her capacity, skills, and knowledge.  Abilities change and develop as the infant grows.

The first year of life is critical because the baby's brain is developing rapidly.  Patterns and connections are being made that will influence behavior for the rest of the child's life.  People can change, but feelings and behaviors that are established early in life are difficult to modify.  The baby does not understand what is going on in his or her life, but he or she senses what is happening.  Many developmental experts believe that the ability to form trusting relationships is established in the first two years of life.

Many developmental experts believe that the ability to form trusting relationships is established in the first two years of life.

To understand how this happens, let's look at some scenes from the life of a 4-month-old girl.  The infant feels hungry, uncomfortable she cries and fusses.  Her mother comes and picks her up.  Already she feels happier, because she knows the sound of her mother's voice and her smell; she associates these with satisfaction.  The mother changes the baby; the baby still fusses because she feels uncomfortable or hungry.  She is given the breast or bottle at last-now she feels contentment and safety.  Snuggling, the warm feeling, the stimulation of her mother stroking her hand- all of these are registered in the baby's brain.  Of course, the baby does not know the words to describe what she is feeling; she simply experiences the feelings.

Later the baby is put back into her crib.  The sheets smell familiar, the view of the bars on her crib is familiar, her mother's voice is soothing.  Again the baby has a sense of security-the world is a good place.  Much of her safety is associated with the feel, touch, voice, response, and smell of her mother.  This 4-month-old is experiencing the world as a safe and dependable place.  Another voice comes into the room, a louder voice.  The hands that pick her feel different; the smell is different; her dad is home.  She knows these feelings, too; they are more exciting feelings.  Dad lifts her high: she smiles and kicks her feet.  She is happy and excited by the deep voice and the firm hands.  Dad is safe, too.

But then the parents separate as a prelude to divorce.  The baby hears words, tones, fighting.  These are not the words she has felt before.  They are too loud, too harsh.  Something is wrong.  Her mother picks her up to nurse, but mother feels different.  She does not feel happy; she feels anxious and sad.  The baby feels what her mother feels.  Although she is relieved to be fed, something has changed.  The baby feels the anxiety; she frets.  A day passes.  The firm hands and deep voice do not pick her up.  Her routine has changed; something is different.  Although she is still fed and bathed, much of the joy is missing from her life.

Three months go by.  Suddenly the baby is picked by the big hands and taken away in the car.  Who is this?  She does not remember the voice, the touch, the smell of Dad.  The baby is now 7 months old, and Dad is a stranger.  She doesn't know his face (separation anxiety often starts between 7 and 9 months).  She feels afraid; she does not experience security.  The big hands give her a bottle; she is happy to eat, but she feels uneasy.  This is not what she is used to.  Fretful, she is searching for a familiar voice or touch.  The big hands put her in a bed; it does not feel familiar; it does not smell the same.  She cries, something is Wrong.  "Where is my mother, my crib, my safe world?"  After a while she tires and falls asleep.  Dad thinks she is adjusting, but she is withdrawing, waiting, searching for her security.

This, then, is the infant's world and how a baby may experience divorce - based on the best knowledge we have of child development.

SEPARATION ANXIETY, AN IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION

Separation anxiety may be a problem for any child between 9 months and 3 years old.

About 9 or 10 months old (some parents report 7 months), the child begins to realize that he or she is a separate person.  The infant also begins to be aware of other people, recognize faces, and knows who the special, safe person is in his or her life.  This is the one who tucks in, feeds, cuddles, comes when the baby cries.  The child begins to know when this special person is gone and protests her (or his) leaving, for the infant realizes that safety' and well-being are related to this person's presence.

Separation anxiety stems from the child's inability to hold on to an image.  When a person is gone, he or she doesn't exist.  When the child is away from his mother, he can't picture the mother sitting at home waiting for him or her.  "She is gone Where is she?"  (This is one of the main reasons for establishing the frequent-contact plan with nonresidential parents.  It helps the infant remember the one parent while keeping close to the other.)

Separation anxiety may be a problem for any child between 9 months and 3 years.  The stronger the attachment, the more difficult the separation.  Thus, a child who has been in day care since infancy may show separation problems when moved to another teacher or when the routine changes.  The child is primarily attached to the primary care giver but also feels the security' of a teacher and of the routines in life.

What do separation problems look like?  When children are separated from the person they are most attached to, they protest and cry.  Next they search for the person, look out the window, ask for Mommy or Daddy, go to the door.  Finally they feel a kind of despair and are quiet.  This is why many' parents say, "Oh, he was fine after about an hour".  Somewhere between 2½ and 3, most children are able to create an internalized picture of the parent; then, even when they are away from the parent, they know that the parent exists somewhere and they will he with him or her again soon.  When children begin to understand aspects of time (closer to age 5 or 6), they will even know when they will see the other parent.  Before age 3, most children will experience anxiety and internal fear when they are away from their mothers too long.  Of course, what is too long for one child may be just right for another.

DIVORCE, SEPARATION, AND VISITATION

Accept the reality that most toddlers need to see their primary attachment figure daily.

Potential problems with separation should be taken into account when planning a schedule that allows for both parents to spend time with the toddler.  Problems created when parents ignore or do not understand separation anxiety flay turn into major areas of conflict between divorced parents with toddlers.  There is a tendency for parents to interpret the child's behavior in a way that will prove to them what they want to believe.  Many problems between parents have to do with control, each wanting what fits their needs.  When a mother worries about her toddler's being carefully watched, the dad protests that the mother is overprotective.  If a dad wishes to see his child during the week, the mother says it won't fit with the child's schedule.  When a toddler misses Dad or wants to go home to Mom, the other parent may discount the child's feelings.

Accept the reality that most toddlers need to see their primary attachment figure, usually their mother, daily.  Young children adjust best if they do not start overnights until they are 2 1/2 to 3.  If you divorce when your child is about two, you should have a two- to three-month transition period that is similar to the infant visitation schedule (frequent, but short contacts in familiar settings).  This is to be followed by weekend visits with the nonresidential spouse, say 10 A.M. to 4 P.M. every Saturday or Sunday, and an early dinner one night during the week.  The weekend day and weeknight visits should remain constant for six months.  Then overnights can be introduced with one overnight a weekend.  By the age of 4 the child will probably feel comfortable being away from his mother for a five-day vacation.

If you are the nonresidential parent and want to spend more time with your child, this may seem like a lot of complicated work and feel like a long time before your son or daughter can be with you in the way you want.  It doesn't seem fair that your former spouse is having so much time with your child when you know that you are a good, caring parent.  In reality it is only a time span of a year or two.  Allowing your child time to crow and develop and gradually adjust to being away from his or her primary care giver means you will have a happier child.  Attention to your toddler's needs now will help you have a better relationship with him or her over time.  The payoff for inconvenience is establishing a positive lifelong relationship with your child.

Principles underlying parenting plans for infants.

Frequent-Contact Plan. Very young children need to have a secure, dependable routine.  Unless absolutely necessary, they should not be separated from their mother (or primary caretaker) or from their known, secure environment for extended periods of time.  To maintain a bond with the father (or nonresident spouse), the infant should have frequent but short visits with him.  If possible, the father should take part in some of the daily caretaking routine.  (If the father has been the primary caretaker for the child and provides the child's primary feelings of safety and security, the parenting plan should reflect that the baby reside with the father, and the mother should be the frequent helper.  But in most families the mother has provided the primary caretaking of the infant, and it is important to keep the infant's routine as stable as possible.)

The specifics of the frequent contact plan:


1. No overnights until the child is 2½ to 3 years old.  The child will feel too worried and anxious away from its mother.  This has nothing to do with the ability of the father to parent.
   
   
2. The father sees child three to four (or more) times a week, preferably for two to three hours at a time.  The baby may not feel comfortable with the father if she or he sees him only once a week.
   
   
3. For a few transition months following separation, the father comes into the mother's house some of the time to do bathing, tucking in, and so on.  This is an ideal arrangement but should not be attempted if there is fear of hostility, prying, or other unsafe conditions.  The "father in the home" practice should never be imposed by the court, because if the parent's cannot agree on a routine they both feel comfortable with it will not work.
   
   Some mothers have had their own mothers or friends present when a child's father comes, and then they use the time to grocery shop or run other errands.  If this practice is possible, the child associates the father with security in the familiar home environment.
   
   
4. No out-of-state or any other type of extended vacations until the child is older, preferably 5 or 6.

Making the frequent-contact plan work takes considerable commitment and dedication to the child's welfare.  It also takes two parents who can put aside their own needs, past hurts, and disappointments.  This type of visitation lasts only until the child is between 2 and 3, then it can be revised.

TIPS ON INFANTS

Here are some things parents can do to ease the transition when the baby begins to be away from his or her primary home:


1. Use the same blanket or toy at both homes. This seems obvious, but some visiting parents think the blanket, binky, or stuffed doggie is too babyish.  They say to themselves.  "Now is my chance to make him a big boy (or girl)".  Wrong!  If you take away safe security items, you are causing your child considerable stress.  Your child will associate bad feelings with you.  There are many ways to help your baby, then toddler, then preschooler grow into a happy young boy or girl.  Fighting his or her other parent over attachment toys is not one.
   
   
2. Give the baby any prescribed medicines, and follow any other health regime that the residential parent suggests.  If you have a concern about the health care of your baby, make an appointment and discuss it with the physician.  Be willing to pay for this consultation; become a cooperative, knowledgeable parent.  Do not disregard the other parent's list of health procedures.
   
   
3. Try to follow the infant's schedule. If he or she takes a morning nap and evening bath, try to keep this routine.  Of course, there are times when everyone's schedule will have to change, but do not plan a morning trip to the zoo just to show your former spouse that you don't have to follow the same routine he or she has with the baby.  Your former spouse will be upset, but the one you really hurt is your infant.

MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT VISITING PLANS

Every family is different.  For example, if a baby has older siblings, he or she may be able to be away from the mother sooner and for longer periods.  The presence of brothers and sisters represents the security of the baby's world.  The key to a good plan is to take into account all aspects of your family.  There are parents who are able to communicate well and make frequent-contact plans work.  These parents can talk on the phone, respect each other as parents, and do not fear each other.  Yet even willing and cooperative parents may need the help of a divorce mediator to provide a structure for them to discuss problems that may come up.

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