Here are some of the losses that adolescents may experience when divorce disrupts their families:

1. Loss of a Dream. 2. Loss of Self-esteem. 3. Loss of Caring Relationships 4. Loss of a Problem or Emotional Pain 5. Loss of Home, Neighborhood, School 6. Loss of Financial Security & Position

1. Loss of a Dream
   
   When people marry, they usually believe it will be forever.  They have a picture in their heads of the happy family they will become.  When this fails to come to pass it is very sad.  "If I can't count on my belief in marriage what can I count on?"
   
   Children, especially teenagers, also have a dream, a dream of the ideal family they would like to be a part of, the ideal mother and the ideal father.  Of course no real-life parent can fill the ideal, but when parents divorce there is the crushing proof that the child does not have the longed-for family or the perfect parents.  This splash of reality can be especially jarring at this idealistic age.
   
   
2. Loss of Self-esteem
   
   When a marriage relationship does not work out, the divorcing partners often feel as if they have failed.  "What did I do wrong?  Why doesn't she love me anymore?  Is there something wrong with me or with my judgment?  Am I lovable?"  Pondering these questions is normal when reflecting on divorce, but the result may be a lowering of self-esteem.
   
   The child, who is continuing biological proof of the marriage, is also at risk of experiencing lower self-esteem.  This tendency is even greater during the teen years, when self-esteem can sink very low in any case.
   
   "How can my parents, whom I respected and trusted, not resolve their problems?  I must not be able to solve problems either".  If one parent continues to criticize the other parent it hurts the child.  The child is always the child of both parents regardless of how despicable the parent has been.
   
   
3. Loss of Caring Relationships
   
   Divorce disrupts relationships in the family.  Relationships that may be ruptured are not only the spousal relationship (although that is the most obvious), but the relationship between parent and child may change.  For example, non-custodial fathers often feel a sense of estrangement from their children, children feel they must monitor what they say to each parent, and custodial mothers may have less time to spend with each child because of the need to work and provide all the home care tasks.
   
   Extended family contacts- grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, family friends-may all become strained, revised, or even eliminated as segments of the previously whole family decide with whom they can/will remain connected.  As holidays and birthdays come and go it is often painfully obvious to all family members that things are not the same.  To a teenager just beginning to sort out these relationships on an adult level, this loss can seem greater than to anyone else.
   
   
4. Loss of a Problem or Emotional Pain
   
   Divorce is an attempt to eliminate a serious problem.  Why would anyone - especially a teenager who seems to feel that the world is full of problems-feel a loss when a divorce allows at least some measure of resolution of an intolerable situation?  When we live with someone for a long time, we establish patterns that become very familiar; even painful patterns lend security to a way of life.  "The devil you know is often better than the one you don't".  A husband married to an alcoholic wife, for example, is accustomed to feeling tense and worried as he approaches home.  The children are similarly accustomed to never being able to bring friends home and to assuming adult responsibility for cooking and cleaning.
   
   If this family divorces, with father and children establishing a well- cared for, structured environment free of alcohol and drugs, all parties - especially the adolescents - may feel a loss of the old ways.  There may be a subtle pull to recreate the familiar, painful home.  After all, it was what they all knew for so long, and everyone was used to the chaos.  With the source of tension removed, all members of this family might feel a sense of loss to go with their relief.  (Of course they would also be feeling sad that the mother is still ill.)
   
   
5. Loss of Home, Neighborhood, School
   
   Moving is always a crisis (big or little) for a family, because it requires an adjustment to a new environment.  For a teenager, such a change can appear to be cataclysmic - whether a divorce is involved or not.  Thus, when a family is forced to sell their home because the parents cannot afford to keep the home following a divorce, teenagers may feel especially disrupted, resentful, and angry.
   
   A change of residence that results in a teenager being forced to attend a different school makes such a move even worse.  By the time a child is in junior high, and certainly by high school, most peer groups have crystallized.  It can become increasingly difficult for a teen to make new friends.  (Of course, we all know of an instance in which a family moved in a child's senior year of high school and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him or her. This is the exception!)
   
   
6. Loss of Financial Security and Position
   
   A large percentage of the poor in our country are single mothers with children.  When a family has been supported primarily by the father's income, and then if the husband remarries, this income must help support two homes, and both families suffer.  It is usually, however, the mother and the children from the first marriage who suffer most.
   
   Some fathers even feel happy their former wives are suffering.  "After all," the reasoning goes, "if my wife was so dumb and uncaring to want a divorce from me she deserves to suffer".  Apparently overlooked by this incensed father is the fact that his children are also suffering.  Some fathers push this line of thought one step further: they feel that, if the children want a financially secure life, they can simply come live with the father.  This is true financial and emotional blackmail!  This line of thinking demonstrates no understanding or caring for the needs or feelings of the children. It is, however, an extremely possessive and punishing attitude that some men appear to enjoy.
   
   This is not to advocate that all children should live with their mothers or to suggest that all fathers are punitive.  In many divorcing families the children live with the father, usually by mutual choice.  Many fathers consistently pay child support and even go above the court-ordered requirement to provide for their children's well being.
   
   The financial circumstances of the post-divorce family is important, however, because it is a factor that affects the well-being of all family members.  Adolescents are remarkably self-centered.  (This is okay' at this point in their life because they are spending so much effort figuring out who they are.)  Thus, a teenager may appear upset over financial losses of the family more than any other loss.  "You mean I can't get my designer jeans!  I hate you and Dad for doing this to me!"  Statements like this are not uncommon.
   

If your child focuses on the financial ramifications of the divorce it does not mean he or she is devoid of other feelings about the divorce.  It just illustrates one way adolescents cope with all of the changes brought about by the divorce.  They may focus on the loss that has the most obvious, concrete effects on them, repressing other feelings that are too painful to manage.

All these general categories of loss appear to be experienced in some manner by most divorcing family members.  How the family deals with them is what is really important.

The Law Offices of J. Richard Kulerski, P.C.
1200 Harger Rd. Suite 320,
Oak Brook, IL 60523
(630) 928-0600 fax (630) 928-0670

Gender Neutral Notice

Visa and Mastercard Accepted

This website contains legal information, and not legal advice.
Its content refers only to the law of the State of Illinois.

All contact information is received with the utmost respect, privacy and discretion. E-mail communication is limited to the scheduling of consultations. Prospective clients are guaranteed absolute confidentiality.

© Copyright 1999-2002 J. Richard Kulerski, P.C.  All rights reserved.
This site is protected by copyright and trademark laws under U.S. and International Law.
Send comments about this site to: webmaster-familylaw@3Planets.com