Ellen was surprised when her former husband John called her at work to tell her that his entire department was being moved to New York City.  John and Ellen had become aware of their differences during their first year of marriage.  When they mutually agreed to divorce, they did not know Ellen was pregnant.  They stayed together during the pregnancy, but when Luke was 6 months old John moved to an apartment nearby and the couple began the divorce process.  Their divorce had been final for three months.  Luke was into a routine of seeing John three to four times a week.  Ellen went to night school and ran errands during the times John was with Luke.  It finally seemed that their lives were settling down.  Now this!

Calls, letters and cards are certainly important, but they are not Daddy or Mommy.

John was torn.  If he didn't move, there would be no job for him with the company.  Although he might find another job in Lincoln, it would be almost impossible to match his current salary.  John loved adventures, and living in New York City appealed to him; it seemed exciting, busy, and offered opportunity.  On the other hand, he couldn't imagine not being able to see his son on a regular basis.  Like John, parents usually move away for financial opportunities, although some parents relocate for health reasons or to be near extended family.  All of the reasons to relocate are valid, important factors, but the reality is that for the child it will mean lost contact with one parent.

Ellen and John talked over the options and decided that John would take the transfer.  Now their task was to make a new plan for how Luke would see his father.  The first thing John realized was that he would have to develop a different type of relationship with Luke than the one he would have if he remained in Lincoln.  Many move-away parents have difficulty accepting the reality that phone calls and e-mail do not replace person-to-person, day-in, day-out contact.  Calls, letters, and cards are certainly important, but they are not Daddy or Mommy.  Next, Ellen and John decided that Luke would not fly as an unaccompanied minor until he was 7 or 8, which was six or seven years away.

What to do until then?  With the help of a mediator, they decided to make a plan for just one year and at the end of that time assess Luke's adjustment and any changes in their own lives.  The first year apart would probably require the most flexibility and commitment by both parents.  The next major principle they decided on was that during the first year Luke would not be separated from Ellen except for a few hours at a time.  This meant that John would need to fly to Lincoln for visits or Ellen would have to travel to New York with Luke.

If you are going to be separated from your child, the importance of maintaining a relationship with him or her cannot be stressed enough.

Fortunately, for the first six months John would be coming to Lincoln every four to six weeks to follow up on projects.  They agreed that when John was in town, Ellen would arrange her schedule to accommodate him.  The first evening or two, John would come to Ellen's home, play with Luke, eat with him, let father and son get used to each other again.  The third day John would take Luke to his parent's house for several hours but return Luke to Ellen at least an hour before bedtime.  This would be repeated every evening.  Ellen had a cousin living in New Jersey.  She agreed to take a week of her vacation and fly to New Jersey.  She would travel with Luke into New York City once, spending at least two hours at John's apartment.  John would make at least one trip to New Jersey.  Ellen also agreed that once a month she would e-mail John a brief overview of what was going on in Luke's life.  John had wanted her to do this weekly, but Ellen felt that that was too much to ask.  Ellen was getting tired of so much contact with John - after all, they were divorced!  Although neither parent was sure how their plan would work, when John moved they had a sense of hope knowing they had put Luke's needs ahead of their own.

If you find yourself in the position of living far away from your young child, it is important to try to implement some of the same principles Ellen and John used:


• Regardless of geographic separation, a young child needs to have a relationship with both parents.
  
  
• Children and parents who do not have frequent physical contact will develop a different relationship from one where children see the parent frequently.  An important consideration is that children and parents know when and how the contacts will be and for both parents to support the plan.  Children need reliability.
  
  
• Very young children should not be taken abruptly from their secure environment.
  
  
• Young children need time to feel comfortable with the absent parent.  Even when the absent parent has an excellent relationship with the child, the child will need a warm-up time.
  
  
• In most cases children under 2 should not be separated from their primary caretaker overnight; children between 2 and 3 should not be away from the primary caretaker for more than two days: children between 3 and 4 can be away for three to four days, and 5-year-olds for five days.  (Remember that the presence of older siblings helps younger children feel more secure during separations.)
  
  
• Generally, the absent parent should do most of the traveling.  This may require making long trips for short contacts.  The payoff for this commitment comes as the parent develops a positive relationship with the child.
  
  
• The primary caretaker needs to accept responsibility for keeping the absent parent informed about the child's life experiences.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS ON GEOGRAPHIC SEPARATION

Some parents, given an option, put off a business-related move until their young child is older.  If that is a possibility, it is preferable.  Because infants and toddlers have difficulty keeping a person in their memory, the frequent-but-short visitation plan is recommended.  Children may be fascinated with the phone, but they certainly cannot get to know a parent through phone calls.  If you are going to be separated from your young child, the importance of working on maintaining a relationship with her or him cannot be stressed enough.  The years of inconvenience you may have to put up with will be worth it.  Your child needs you and needs to know you cared enough to invest time and energy' to stay connected.  The appreciation of your commitment may not be fully understood by the child until he or she is an adult.  Remember as parents we are in it for the long run.

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