As if managing the emotions and relationships created when divorced parents begin to date were not complicated enough, adjustment for parents and children takes a new turn if and when either parent remarries.  Remarriage seals the fate that there will be no parental reconciliation (although even children in their teens and twenties often have fantasies about reconciliation of their original family long after both parents have remarried).

Your original relationship will exist with your children forever.

Not only is the door of reality closed on reconciliation, but new people are brought into the children's lives for whom they are supposed to have, or at least begin to have, a "family" feeling.  Here is another major change - just like the divorce itself - when children feel that they have had no control over their own family structure.

If remarriage takes place within a year or two after the divorce, all children will still be in the process of adjusting.  At the same time they are adjusting to the losses created by the divorce, they must also adjust to the entrance of a stepparent, sometimes bringing with him or her stepchildren, step-grandparents, and even step-pets.

If you remarry, do not expect or encourage your children to call your new spouse "Dad" or "Mom".

Some of the major problem areas for remarriages are disagreements about children.  These do not need to become crises between you and your new spouse, but it is important to discuss together your values and beliefs about child rearing prior to remarriage.  All family members, old and new, must realize that they are members of a remarried family and that a remarried family is not like an original nuclear family.  An acceptance of this "differentness" may remove a lot of pressure from everyone.

If you remarry, do not expect or encourage your children to call your new spouse "Dad" or "Mom".  Your children already have a set of parents - you and your former spouse - and will probably resent your trying to suggest otherwise.  Allow the relationship between your children and your new spouse to develop naturally.  In some instances, particularly where the biological parent emotionally or physically deserts a teenager, a close parent-child relationship may develop between the child and the stepparent.  Over time, he or she may choose to call your new spouse "Mom" or "Dad".  That must be his or her choice, however.  Do not try to force it in any way.  Be sensitive to your child's feelings, and accept his or her ongoing loyalty to the other natural parent.

Recent research that explored children's adjustment to stepfamilies found that adolescents have more difficulty accepting a stepparent than younger children.  Teenagers have spent more time in their original family than younger children and thus may find it hard to accept a new person.  Teenagers also do not like "a stranger" telling them what to do.  To prevent problems on this score, it is best whenever possible for the biological parent to establish and enforce rules.  The stepparent can still be supportive of his or her spouse's decisions and enforce "house" rules when the biological parent is not present.

Remarriage seals the fate that there will be no parental reconciliation.

Stepparents can add support and security to a single parent family, bringing to the family some additional time and energy and even money that may be very much needed.  If you or your former spouse remarry, take some time to consider how this will affect your teenagers.  Have family discussions and ask the teens for their input about how they would like the new family to function.  Allow them to care for new family members - including members of your former spouse's family - but don't force feelings.  If both you and your former spouse remarry, your teenagers will belong to two separate remarried families. They will still and always will have, however, only one set of parents - you and your former spouse. Your original relationship will exist with your children forever.

The Law Offices of J. Richard Kulerski, P.C.
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Oak Brook, IL 60523
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