CHILDREN'S REACTIONS TO VISITATION

There is a process that most children go through when they go to visit a non-custodial parent.  Understanding this process will help you understand your child.  A few days or the day before the visitation, a child may begin to come up with reasons why he or she doesn't want to go: "I'm going to miss you," or "It's no fun at Mom's (or Dad's)" or "I don't want to be away from my kitten".  All of these reasons are partially true, but they are also a protesting against leaving the security of a known environment.

In divorce, both parents lose some control of parenting.

When a child is picked up by Dad or Mom, he or she may be fairly quiet.  The two of them need some time to begin to feel comfortable together again.  In the middle of the visitation there is usually a period of time where both the non-custodial parent and the child feel very close and natural.  This is the best part of many visitations, a little slice of time when neither parent or child is emotionally coping with loss and thus can be open and spontaneous.

As the visitation starts to draw to an end, children realize it will soon be time to leave again.  They often begin to withdraw from the non-custodial parent and may show signs of sadness about going home.  This sadness can take many different forms.  When they arrive back home, they may be angry, hyperactive, or withdrawn for a period of time.  The custodial parent sometimes believes that this is because of "things my ex-husband (or ex-wife) put in their head".  Although that is always a possibility, it is more likely the children's expression - through behavior - of all the feelings associated with having to leave one parent, get close to the other parent, then leave that parent, and get close to the first one all over again.  Think about how you would feel in such an arrangement!

... you can think about, care for and love another person even if you don't live with them.

Visitations call for many and sometimes rapid, adjustments, regardless of the length of time of the visitation - whether a two hour dinner or a two month summer stay the process remains the same.  Grade school age children are usually not conscious of this emotional pattern and do not understand why they are feeling so upset.  The older children become, the better able they are to understand and cope with these emotional responses; but the cycle remains the same no matter how old they are.

This emotional closeness and then separation often drives the non-custodial parent crazy.  If a visitation is very short - two hours for example - the period of closeness may be extremely brief, perhaps only five to ten minutes.  The non-custodial parent may begin to question if the child even cares for him or her and wonder if visitations are worth the effort.

The custodial parent may also misunderstand the emotional cycle of visitations. Some custodial parents buy into the child's expression of not wanting to go and try to interrupt or stop visitations.  They often become angry at the child and non-custodial parent when the child exhibits worrisome behavior upon returning home.

Both you and your former spouse have had to make adjustments to accommodate visitations; so will your child.

One excellent way parents can help children deal with visitation is to verbalize what the children may be feeling.  Before the visitation, for example, the custodial parent might say, "I know that you will miss Fluffy and me, but you will have a good time with Dad (or Mom).  I will be here Monday night when you get back, and you can always call me".  By doing this you are reassuring your children that you will not desert them and also reinforcing the positive aspects of visiting the other parent.

A non-custodial parent could say, "I'm feeling sad that our visit is almost over, it sure has gone fast for me.  Tomorrow I will take you home to Mom's (or Dad's), and even though I will miss you I will call you next week and then we'll be together again next month".  You are expressing your own feelings about the visitation ending but also providing a positive reinforcement about returning home and giving each of you something to anticipate.

Finally, if a child appears upset about returning home, the custodial parent might say, "I know you miss Dad (or Mom) and feel angry about this divorce.  Would you like to call him (or her) tomorrow night?"  Such comments validate a child's feelings, which will help ease the return home.

It is very natural for both parents to resent all the emotional energy spent on seeing that visitations go smoothly.  It is especially difficult when after a visitation a child appears angry and upset.  Carol, a divorced mother of six, shared her feelings about visitation: "Who needs this?  I am trying to be the 'good guy' by being cooperative, supportive, and understanding, and what do I get in return?  Angry children and a non-appreciative former spouse!"

Put yourself in your child's place. Think about how you would feel in such an arrangement.

All parties - both parents and all children - have to make some adjustments to facilitate visitations.  It is worth the effort.  In time it will become easier for everyone to make the changes necessary for them to succeed.

In most post-divorce squabbles, the children's welfare is not being truly threatened - except from the stress engendered from being involved in ongoing bitter parental conflicts.  If children sleep in a sleeping bag for a weekend or eat peanut butter for dinner, their safety is not jeopardized.  If they miss church or stay up until midnight on Saturday night, their future is not at risk.  If a child is required to dress up (or down) when visiting the other parent, it will cause no permanent damage.  If children occasionally have to miss an extended-family party because they are with their other parent, no one is going to die.  These examples may include some practices, which you do not approve; it is certainly all right not to approve or like what the other parent does.  You are probably divorced because you didn't agree on many issues and ideas.  You do not however, have a right to try and control what your children do with the other parent.  In divorce, both parents loose some control of parenting. If you can accept this fact, you will create a better emotional atmosphere for both yourself and your children.

SUGGESTIONS FOR CUSTODIAL PARENTS

1. Your child needs to have consistent, stress-free visitations with the other parent.

You have no power to control what happens when your child spends time with the other parent.  Your attitude toward these visits, however, both before your children go and after they return, can influence the emotional tone of the visits.  If your former spouse is thirty minutes late you can take off in the car with your child to "show him that he can't push us around," or you can wait patiently and when he does show up send your child off with a hug, accepting the explanation that your former spouse was tied up in a traffic jam.  (If a pattern develops in which your former spouse is being truly and objectively irresponsible, deal directly with him or her-but not when the children are around.)

If you have developed the habit of trying to undermine and interfere with visitations, it is you who is creating stress for your children.  You can buy tickets for a special baseball game on your former spouse's weekend with the children, knowing it will cause problems; or you can plan such special outings only for those weekends you have your children with you.  You can take your vacation at exactly the same time as your former spouse, or you can work to coordinate summer vacations for the maximum benefit of your children.

Children hear the two of you arguing on the phone.  They observe you slamming the door or changing plans at the last minute.  The message you send to your child is, "I hate your Dad (or your Mom)".  Your children will be hurt by this and will withdraw from being honest with you.  They will begin to tell you only what you want to hear or will become openly angry at you.  Neither of these reactions are very productive for them or for you.

Many parents say something like this: "But Tricia doesn't want to go visit her Dad (or Mom).  She has all her friends and toys here.  Why should she have to go when she doesn't want to?"  In many cases, this is merely a projection of the parent's feeling onto the child.  Some parents, however, legitimately wonder how much influence a child's opinion should have over visitations.  Taking a child's wishes and desires into account may complicate the planning of visitations.  If both parents and their children have non-hostile and open communications, visitations can be varied to meet changes in either parent's schedule or to accommodate specific desires of the child.  Frequently, however, such open communication does not exist.  In these cases, visitation schedules should be strictly adhered to.  Younger children especially will respond to a little bit of rigidity better than a lot of tension over each visit.  As children approach adolescence, they can communicate more directly with the non-custodial parent and make appropriate adjustments to visitations.

A final note of warning to custodial parents.  Both you and your former spouse have had to make adjustments to accommodate visitations; so will your child.  Being a child from a divorced family is not like being a child from an intact family.  It is important for children to recognize and accept their responsibility for communicating their desires to the non-custodial parent.  If you are constantly raising the visitation issue, then it will be unclear whether it is you or the child who is questioning the present arrangement.

2. You cannot force the other parent to exercise visitation rights.

In most instances, the non-custodial parent wants very much to maintain a relationship with his or her child.  There are some cases, however, where a parent deserts the family or when a parent will not or cannot maintain contact with the child.  This lack of contact may be the result of a number of factors: progressive alcoholism, guilt over the divorce, or the inability to really care for another person.  If that has happened to your children it may be very sad for both you and them, especially since you know how important it is for your child to know and care for the other parent.  In spite of your feelings there is nothing you can do to change your former spouse, and you certainly cannot force him or her to see the child.

You can answer your child's questions honestly and tell your child about the other parent.  Share how you met, why you loved each other, and why you believe visitations are not occurring.  This knowledge might help your child accept the parental rejection, and it will also reassure them that the rejection did not come about because they were "bad" or "unlovable."

SUGGESTIONS FOR NON-CUSTODIAL PARENTS.

1. Your child needs your consistent attention and concern.

You are now in the difficult position of having a child that needs you but does not live with you.  It is probably a position you are not too happy about.  Some non-custodial parents, experiencing so much pain in seeing their child only occasionally and in watching their relationship becoming fragmented, stop visiting with the child altogether.  This can have disastrous consequences for a child.  It is extremely important for the healthy development of children that if at all possible they relate to both parents on a regular, dependable basis.  The fact that the effort to relate with your children is more difficult after a divorce is not an acceptable excuse for not filling this basic need.

Consistency is the crucial feature of the visitations with your child.  If you see your child every other weekend and for two weeks in the summer, then make sure you show up every other weekend.  If you live across the country and only see your child during Christmas vacation and in the summer, then call your child every week or two at a specific time, send post cards and notes, and be sure to arrange the extended visits.  After a year or two of consistent contact with you, your child will become reassured that you will be there for him or her.  Telling a child you will always be available is not the same as showing that you will be there.

Most non-custodial parents are fathers.  Professionals who study the development of children are discovering that fathers play a very important role in the development of a child's self-esteem.  Children who admire and have positive contact with their fathers, for example, are better achievers in school than children who have little or negative contact with their fathers.  These findings underscore the need for your ongoing input of time and concern to your developing children.  They need more from you than just money.

There may be times when you do not feel like making the effort to see your child.  Perhaps your former spouse makes arranging visitations very difficult, or the last time you were with your child you felt the child seemed bored, or your new girlfriend (boyfriend) or spouse does not like sharing you with your child.  In spite of these or a myriad of other reasons, please go ahead with the visits as planned.  Keep at it; you will realize much later how important it is.

2. Don't expect too much immediate gratification from your children.

Non-custodial parents sometimes make the mistake of expecting too much emotional support and recognition from their children.  They are then disappointed when they feel their child has let them down.  A school age child's main concerns and thoughts are focused on the immediate environment; thus your child will be concerned about what is on TV, whom to ask over to play, and if there are Frosted Flakes in the house.  Your child will probably not be thinking about calling Dad or Mom to share the results of the unit spelling test, or remembering to send a Valentine or Halloween card.  Your birthday and holidays may go unnoticed.  Do not take this personally.  Remember that any child needs help and encouragement in remembering these events.  If your former spouse is unwilling to help your child to remember your special occasions, accept this with as much good grace as you can muster.  When your child becomes older you can expect him or her to become more considerate.  (On the reverse side, do you remind your children to remember your former spouses birthday, etc.?)

Send cards, presents and get-well notes to your child. Set an example of how to care for someone. Some children want a sign that it's O.K. to love (and be loved by) someone that they no longer live with.

A non-custodial parent must put a lot of energy into the long-range goal of the development of an emotionally healthy child and the creation of a good parent-child relationship.  Considerable time and thoughtfulness is required of you now, and much of the payoff will not come for years.  Of course there are many joys you will experience in spending time with your children as they grow, but the most important satisfaction you will have is in knowing you have contributed substantially to your child's development.

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