Illinois Family Law - Divorce and the Teenager

Divorce and the Teenager

ADOLESCENCE

No matter how many signs there or how much warning was given, no child is totally prepared for the divorce of his or her parents. There are, however, great differences in how children in different stages of their development understand and accept what has happened to their family. Recognizing developmental stages and offering suggestions to help young people from infancy to young adulthood is difficult enough - without adding the special situations caused by divorce. For this reason, the focus of this workbook has been narrowed to children between the ages of twelve and eighteen - what we call "adolescence" or "the teens." (A companion volume to this book, Kids Are Nondivorceable, is available for parents with preadolescent children ages six to eleven.)

If adolescence begins with puberty - when does it end?

Teenagers do not always fit neatly into anybody's categories. Adolescence is a time when humans witness many painful and sometimes radical changes. Physically, the start of adolescence is marked by the beginning of puberty and changes in the body: growth spurts, hair in new places, fuller hips and breasts, deeper voices. Some children begin these body changes as early as nine or ten, and some as late as sixteen. Yet for most boys and girls puberty begins about eleven or twelve.

Teenagers do not always fit neatly into anybody's categories.

Psychologically, the adolescent is pulling away from parents. Pulling away may result in fights, yelling and tears. As quickly as a teen may storm out of a house, he or she may return as cheerful and helpful as a ten-year-old. There is a need for an adolescent to be grown up and a need to be childish. The adolescent usually does not understand the changing moods, and parents often become bewildered and worn out.

Most twelve-year-olds are seventh graders. In many schools junior high is composed of seventh and eighth grades, and the building and learning curriculum is structurally different from the younger grades (sixth grade is sometimes included in the junior high, although this is often the result of balancing enrollments rather than developmental grouping). High school is primarily made up of fourteen- to eighteen-year-olds. This school structure reflects the increasing need of adolescents to he with peers. "How am I in relation to you?" is a question that adolescents constantly ask. They ask this question in hopes of deciding once and for all "Who am I?" Am I smart, pretty, dumb, a jock, a poet, a nerd? What is it like to follow the rules/break the rules? Talking incessantly on the phone, often just after leaving friends, is necessary because when you are a teenager the task of learning about yourself is pressing and never-ending.

Younger teenagers are strongly pulled toward their peers.

If adolescence begins with puberty - at about twelve years of age - when does it end? When one graduates from high school? When one marries? When one votes, enters military service, can legally drink, etc.? Pondering the varying societal and legal sanctions that may mark the end of adolescence makes it understandable that many adolescents are never quite sure when they are "grown up". Perhaps adolescence has ended when one has a firm sense of identity and when one has developed the ability to commit to relationships outside the family. Once in a while, this is accomplished by eighteen. Most people do not completely master these tasks, however, until their mid-twenties. After eighteen, many older adolescents move away from home. This next phase of life is referred to by developmental psychologists as the "young adult" period. Children who are in the young adult phase of development are not emotionally immune from the effects of parental divorces. A discussion of their needs is beyond the scope of this book, however. Thus, for this workbook adolescents are defined as youngsters of the ages of twelve to eighteen - junior high and high school-age students.

EARLY AND LATE ADOLESCENCE

Even considering the span from twelve to eighteen is a big task! Adolescence maybe divided into two phases: early adolescence (12-14) and late adolescence (15-18). These groupings represent somewhat arbitrary dividing lines, however, and your children may not really fit the division.

When a teenager must also cope with the divorce of his or her parents, that pressure can sometimes seem unbearable.

Younger teenagers are strongly pulled toward peers. They begin to experiment with who they are by changing way's of dressing and talking. The young adolescent very much wants to be like and be liked by his or her peer group. Not being accepted is the biggest fear. The early adolescent may have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but - except in isolated cases - sexual involvement usually does not occur at this young age. These younger teens are still very dependent on parents for money and transportation. Girls in this age group are usually socially and physically more mature than boys of the same age, often seeking a one-on-one steady relationship with a boy. Boys at this age are more likely to hang around in groups, maybe occasionally walking a girl home or calling one on the phone. The early adolescent is practicing for more intimate relationships that will follow.

In late adolescence, the child naturally pulls further away from parents as a preparation for a final departure. This pull is often an emotional distancing, evidenced by not seeming very interested in the family. Parents often say that their child seems "cold" or "uninterested in others". The older teen may drive and often works part time. He or she is developing ways and means of becoming more and more independent of mother and father. Sexual intimacy to one degree or another may occur in dating relationships, and the older teen begins to consider what it would be like to marry. A heavy weight of responsibility for future adult life is felt: "What will I do with my adult life?" "Should I go on to college or get a job . . . and if so what college or job?" These life decisions, made at the same time one is separating from the family, are of such emotional proportions that they may result in depression for some teenagers.

In most post-divorce squabbles, the child's welfare is not being truly threatened...

All these adolescent developments occur amid the blare of music, messy rooms, homework, curfews, and friends. This confusion surrounding the adolescent often keeps the psychological and emotional struggle within the teenager hidden from the parents. Parents sometimes think that it must be great fun to be as free and irresponsible as their children. To the adolescent, however, life may be okay, but it sure feels as if there is a lot of pressure involved. When a teenager must also cope with the divorce of his or her parents, that pressure can sometimes seem unbearable.

SUGGESTIONS FOR
CUSTODIAL PARENTS.

1. Your child needs to have consistent, stress-free visitations with the other parent.

You have no power to control what happens when your child spends time with the other parent. Your attitude toward these visits, however, both before your adolescent goes and after he or she returns, can influence the emotional tone of the visits. If your former spouse is thirty minutes late you can take off in the car with your teenager to "show him that he can't push us around," or you can wait patiently and when your former spouse does show up, send your child off with a hug, accepting the explanation that your former spouse was tied up in a traffic jam. (If a pattern develops in which your former spouse is being truly and objectively irresponsible, deal directly with him or her - but not when your son or daughter is around.)

If you have developed the habit of trying to undermine and interfere with visitations, it is you who are creating stress for your teenagers. You can buy tickets for a special concert on your former spouse's weekend with the children, knowing it will cause problems; or you can plan such special outings only for those weekends you have your children with you. You can take your vacation at exactly the same time as your former spouse, or you can work to coordinate summer vacations for the maximum benefit of your children.

Teenagers hear the two of you arguing on the phone. They observe you slamming the door or changing plans at the last minute. The message you send them is "I hate your dad (or your mom)". They will only be hurt by such behavior and will withdraw from being honest with you. They will begin to tell you only' what you want to hear or will become openly angry at you. Neither of these reactions is very productive for them or for you.

A final note to custodial parents: You and your former spouse have both had to make adjustments to accommodate visitations, and so will your teenager. Being a child from a divorced family is not like being a child from an intact family. It is important for children to recognize and accept their responsibility for communicating their needs and desires to the non-custodial parent. Learning to express feelings, ideas, and plans to the non-custodial parent will not only help your teenager develop an adult relationship with that parent but will also prepare him or her for communicating needs and desires to others.

2. You cannot force the other parent to exercise visitation rights.

In most instances, the non-custodial parent wants very much to maintain a relationship with his or her children. There are some cases, however, in which a parent deserts the family or in which a parent will not or cannot maintain contact with the children. This lack of contact may be the result of a number of factors: progressive alcoholism, guilt over the divorce, or the inability to really care for another person. The tensions and problems of the teenage years may even produce a situation (hopefully temporary) in which the non-custodial parent decides that he or she can no longer "handle" a relationship with a particular adolescent. If that has happened to your teenager, it may be very sad for both of you, especially since you know how important it is for your child to know and care for the other parent. In spite of your feelings there is nothing you can do to change your former spouse, and you certainly cannot force him or her to see the child.

You can answer your teen's questions honestly and tell him or her about the other parent. Share how you met, why you loved each other, and why you believe visitations are not occurring. This knowledge might help your adolescent child accept the parental rejection, and it will also reassure them that the rejection did not come about because they were "bad" or "unlovable" or a "juvenile delinquent."

SUGGESTIONS FOR NON-CUSTODIAL PARENTS

1. Your teenager needs your consistent attention and concern.

You are now in the difficult position of having an adolescent that needs you hut does not live with you. It is probably a position you do not feel too happy about. Some non-custodial parents, experiencing so much pain in seeing their child only occasionally and in watching their relationship becoming fragmented, stop visiting with the child altogether. This can have disastrous consequences for a child - perhaps especially for a teenager. It is extremely important for the healthy development of adolescents that if at all possible they relate to both parents on a regular, dependable basis. The fact that the effort to relate with your children is more difficult after a divorce is not an acceptable excuse for not filling this basic need.

It is important that you, as the non-custodial parent, establish a consistent way to maintain contact with your teenager. When and how often you see your child may' fluctuate depending on your son's or daughter's interests and needs. Perhaps during the swimming season you will see your son several times a week because you yourself are a swimmer and meet him several times a week for a workout. Or your daughter may' get a part-time job after school and on weekends that limits the amount of time she can spend at your house for many months. You have commitments yourself, and it may be impossible always to be available to spend time with your teenager when he or she is free. As with younger children, however, with teens a parent needs to he willing to assume the majority' of responsibility in facilitating visitations.

One good way to keep contact with your adolescent is to call at a mutually convenient time each week. Use this opportunity to share what is happening in each of your lives and to discuss and finalize upcoming plans to get together. If your teenager can commit to a regular visitation schedule this will be easier for everyone, but realize that this is seldom possible with adolescents.

Most non-custodial parents are fathers. A father's input into his child's life is important at every age, but contact with him is especially important during the teenage years. Teenage boys need to relate to an adult male for their own identity formation, and girls too need the support and admiration of their fathers. Recent research has shown that adolescents who have a positive relationship with their fathers have better self-esteem and academic success.

There may be times when making the effort to keep in touch with your adolescent children seems like too much effort. Perhaps your former spouse makes arranging visitations very difficult, or the last time you were with your child you felt the child seemed bored, or your new girlfriend (boyfriend) or spouse does not like sharing you with your teenager. In spite of these or a myriad of other reasons, please go ahead with the visits as planned. Keep at it; you will realize much later how important it is.

2. Don't expect too much immediate gratification from your children.

Non-custodial parents sometimes make the mistake of expecting too much emotional support and recognition from their children. They are then disappointed when they feel their child has let them down. An adolescent's world is often self-centered and peer-oriented. Your fifteen-year-old daughter, for example, may be much happier on Saturday afternoon to get a call from her boyfriend than from her dad. Your eighteen-year-old son may say "no" to playing golf with his mom on Saturday morning but energetically go out to play basketball with his friends that same day.

Your birthday or Father's (Mother's) Day may go unnoticed. Do not take this personally. Remember, your adolescent is in many ways still a child who needs you to model caring, responsible behavior-whether you get the "strokes" you need or not. Keep sending cards and presents and get-well notes to your teenager. You are setting an example of how to care for someone when they' are far away. This is an important lesson for your child to learn: that you can think about, care for, and love another person even if you don't live with them. As your adolescent matures and internalizes such caring behavior, you may someday find that your son goes out and selects a special Christmas gift for you or your daughter calls you up and invites you out to lunch. Then all your years of faithfulness will be repaid.

A non-custodial parent must put a lot of energy into the long-range goal of the development of an emotionally' healthy child and the creation of a positive, lifelong parent-child relationship. Considerable time and thoughtfulness is required of you now, and much of the payoff will not come for a few years. Of course there are many joys you will experience in spending time with your adolescent, but the most important satisfaction you will have is in knowing you have contributed substantially to your child's development.