Illinois Family Law - Divorce and the Toddler

Divorce and the Toddler

WHO IS THE TODDLER?

The concept of toddler has three distinguishing features: 1) increasing mobility (walking and climbing), 2) great strides in talking and learning about the world, and 3) a growing awareness that "I am a separate person" - the terrible 2s!

Toddlers do not comprehend time.

If you have a toddler, you know that they have a great zest for life because life is full of wonderful surprises and treats. The toddler wants to discover all of them, wants to do it now, and wants to do it his or her own way. Toddlers wear their emotions on their sleeves; they cry or throw tantrums when their plans are interrupted or fail; they love with abundance: they openly respond to environmental stimulation (the love of snow, rain, music, drums). At the end of the day most toddlers are tired, exhausted from their exuberance, but they often resist sleep because they do not want to give up one minute of exciting experiences. The mobility they exhibit and the words they use may lead adults to assume toddlers know, understand, and can do more than they are able. The toddler does not understand complex concepts like divorce, marriage, death. They may even confuse a seemingly simple concept like dog, using the word to describe a cat or horse - although, as the child grows, he or she will know and understand increasing categories of animals.

Toddlers do not comprehend time. If you tell a toddler that he or she will get to do something tomorrow, the toddler has no idea whether that means five minutes from now, a month, or after his or her bath. This, of course, presents many problems in helping the child to understand visitation. "When is Daddy coming?" the child asks. The mother replies, "You will see Daddy on Saturday," and points to the day on the calendar. Later in the day the toddler looks out the window, "Where is Daddy?" The mother begins to feel frustrated. This conversation may happen several times a day. Or the child may realize that his or her questions are upsetting the mother (remember the young child is very aware of emotional tones), so he or she doesn't ask. Not asking does not mean the toddler doesn't still wonder. The toddler may even use words correctly, and the parent assumes that the child understands what he or she is saying. This can create many problems between divorced parents. The child says, "When is Daddy coming?" The mother responds, "Now what did I tell you? Mommy and Daddy are…" The toddler correctly answers, "Divorced." "That's right! And when will you see Daddy?" "Saturday." "Good, that's right. Now finish your lunch."

If you tell a toddler that he or she will get to do something tomorrow, the toddler has no idea whether that means five minutes from now, a month, or after his or her bath.

In this illustration, the mother assumes that because the toddler gave her the right answers that the child understands. In reality the child knows that her mother is happy with her, that she has performed well. But she has no understanding of what is going on. She does not understand what Saturday and divorce mean - all she knows that it has something to do with Daddy and where he is. Parents should not avoid using terms like divorce, tomorrow, September, weekend, but rather they must understand that those concepts are beyond the grasp of the toddler. Parents should try to sense what the child is feeling when he or she asks questions. Answer the feeling, but use the words too - this is how children learn language skills.

All children thrive on a dependable routine. The toddler, experiencing so many developmental thrusts, desperately needs routine.

As with language skills, the emergence of motor skills does not mean the child knows what is dangerous or what he or she can do. The toddler boy may think he can walk to the grocery store two blocks away, but halfway home he tires and wants to be carried. Or the toddler girl may take joy at jumping off of a pier only to find herself in water over her head. The young child does not engage in these unplanned or dangerous events to irritate parents or end up in the hospital. The toddler is impulsive and oriented toward exploration and growing up. The toddler doesn't even know he or she is at risk. The toddler must always have responsible supervision.

All children thrive on a dependable routine. The toddler, experiencing so many developmental thrusts, desperately needs routine. Your toddler may resist following a routine, but remember, you are the parent. This does not mean you can't make exceptions, you can and should. All families need to be flexible. However, once a parenting plan has been established, try to set a similar routine for eating and naps at both homes.

PRINCIPLES UNDERLYING
PARENTING PLAN FOR TODDLERS.

Frequent-Contact Plan. Very young children need to have a secure, dependable routine. Unless absolutely necessary, they should not be separated from their mother (or primary caretaker) or from their known, secure environment for extended periods of time. To maintain a bond with the father (or nonresident spouse), the infant should have frequent but short visits with him. If possible, the father should take part in some of the daily caretaking routine. (If the father has been the primary caretaker for the child and provides the child's primary feelings of safety and security, the parenting plan should reflect that the baby resides with the father, and the mother should be the frequent helper. But in most families the mother has provided the primary caretaking of the infant, and it is important to keep the infant's routine as stable as possible.)

The specifics of the frequent-contact plan:

No overnight visits until the child is 2 1/2 to 3 years old. The child will feel too worried and anxious away from its mother. This has nothing to do with the ability of the father to parent.
The father sees child three to four (or more) times a week, preferably for two to three hours at a time. The baby may not feel comfortable with the father if she or he sees him only once a week.
For a few transition months following separation, the father comes into the mother's house some of the time to do bathing, tucking in, and so on. This is an ideal arrangement but should not be attempted if there is fear of hostility, prying, or other unsafe conditions. The "father in the home" practice should never be imposed by the court, because if the parent's cannot agree on a routine they both feel comfortable with it will not work.

Some mothers have had their own mothers or friends present when a child's father comes, and then they use the time to grocery shop or run other errands. If this practice is possible, the child associates the father with security in the familiar home environment.
No out-of-state or any other type of extended vacations until the child is older, preferably 5 or 6.

Making the frequent-contact plan work takes considerable commitment and dedication to the child's welfare. It also takes two parents who can put aside their own needs, past hurts, and disappointments. This type of visitation lasts only until the child is between 2 and 3, then it can be revised.

TIPS ON TODDLERS.

When you talk on the phone with the other parent within earshot of your children, keep voices calm. Do not quarrel or try to solve issues in front of the children. Remember that they are like little radars, picking up all emotions. If the toddler feels you are okay, then his or her life will feel safe.
When one parent moves out, let the toddler go to the "new house" as soon as possible (just a short two-hour visit at first). Toddlers like to explore, so he or she will run around, checking everything out. This is what you want.
At the new house have a box with toys and books that is easy for the child to reach.
Keep a picture of the nonresidential parent in the child's bedroom.
Whenever your toddler is going to sleep at the other parent's house, be sure to pack his or her favorite security blanket or toy. Before overnights begin, this will be for naps. Keep naps at approximately the same time at both homes.
If you are the visiting parent, don't introduce major parenting changes during your time with your toddler. For example, don't start toilet training your child if your former spouse has not begun this process.
If you are the residential parent, keep the other parent updated on any schedule changes, health concerns, or new behaviors you are addressing (like toilet training). Don't expect the other parent to do things exactly as you. Close enough is good enough.
Create a way that you, as parents, can discuss your children in a constructive manner. Some ways that have worked for other parents are a weekly phone call at a scheduled time, meeting at a restaurant every other week, or a monthly meeting with a mediator. In between talk times, you can exchange notes, but do not depend on notes to discuss major issues concerning your toddler or other children.
If your toddler is in day care, let the day-care personnel know there has been a change in the family. This will help them understand changes in behavior. However, do not use the day-care staff in a war against your former spouse. Remember your child picks up on the feelings of all adults in his environment; it is important for the day-care center to be a safe environment.
Both parents should know and have access to all health and education personnel (doctors, dentists, teachers). As with the day-care staff, don't involve these professionals in your divorce.

The above information was excerpted from the workbooks: Kids are Non-divorceable, Tots are Non-divorceable and Teens are Non-divorceable and is used with the permission of the author Sara Bonkowski, Ph.D.

Dr. Bonkowski is Associate Professor of Social Work at Aurora University in Aurora, Illinois and the founder of the Myrtle Burks Center for Clinical Social Work in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. She may be reached at: (630) 469-2000.